


Pain is real, but so is hope

by PalmettoFoxDen



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, But then he meets the captain of his new team, Jean has given up on having a soulmate, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2018-12-24 13:27:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PalmettoFoxDen/pseuds/PalmettoFoxDen
Summary: Jean used to have hope for finding his soulmate, until Riko tortured that hope out of him. When he joins the Trojans, Jean discovers the captain of his new team is supposed to be his soulmate, but Jean has been conditioned to believe he is unfit to be anyone's soulmate.





	1. Chapter 1

Jean had long since given up on the idea of ever meeting his soulmate. Riko had made sure of that. To believe he had a soulmate was to have hope for the future and so Jean had clung to that hope when he had first joined the Ravens.

The words across his bicep said 'Kevin has told me so much about you.' Even stuck with the Ravens and Riko’s torture, Jean had clung to some hope that one day he would meet someone who would make this better. Someone who would make it worth living another day. The mark said Kevin’s name. His soulmate met Kevin before Jean met his soulmate. That meant he was still supposed to meet his soulmate, despite being sold.

Or so he had thought. But that had been stupid. Jean had given up any lingering belief that he might meet his soulmate when Kevin had fled and left Jean behind to face Riko’s wrath alone.

Riko had made sure that Jean’s soulmate marking was a source of suffering instead of a beacon of hope. Riko had not been able to remove the marking from Jean’s skin, although not for lack of effort. He had tried many times, but the marking could not be carved or burned out. The hideously marred flesh that made the words across Jean’s bicep barely legible served as an ugly reminder though. Jean was property and property wasn't allowed to have a soulmate. Property wasn't allowed to have anything. Property was nothing.

Jean had learned not to dwell on the idea of a soulmate. He knew it was as ridiculous as fantasizing about gaining the ability to fly. But then he met Jeremy Knox.

He was with Renee, meeting the captain of what was to be his new team, and she introduced them in that friendly tone Jean was so unused to, the tone that had drawn him to her in the first place.

The Trojans’ captain greeted him with an enthusiastic grin as as he said, “Kevin has told me so much about you.”

Jean put forth a valiant effort to not react. He was sure he only succeeded because of years of practice at trying and failing to not give Riko the satisfaction of seeing him squirm, scream, and beg.

Jean took a second to compose himself, then spoke when he was sure his voice would not waver. He feigned indifference as he asked, “Has he?”

Recognition sparked across Jeremy’s features. Jean felt sick to his stomach.

“Hey,” Jeremy said as he rolled his sleeve up to reveal the words 'Has he?' written across his bicep. “Is this you? I know it’s not the most unique sentence, but do you have one of these?”

Jean froze. There was no way in hell he was about to roll up his sleeve and reveal the carnage. Even now, Riko had a hold on him. Jean was broken goods. He wasn't fit to be anyone’s soulmate anymore. His disfigured marking was a clear reminder of that.

“It’s okay if you have one you don't want to show,” Jeremy said. “Or if you don't have one.”

Jean said nothing. What could he say? Just because he had a marking, didn't mean there was any point mentioning it. He didn't know Jeremy and Jeremy didn't know him well enough to see what a bad idea it would be to get close to him. They were both better off with Jeremy not knowing and Jean trying to pretend the evidence wasn't definitive.

Jean felt a knot in his stomach when Jeremy told him they would be roommates. This was going to be difficult, but he had lived in a much more difficult environment for years.

* * *

 When time came to move into the dorm, Jeremy looked shocked by how little Jean had brought with him. Jean hadn’t had access to his own money with the Ravens, so he had already owned little besides the team outfits that were nice, but entirely for show.

When he had left Evermore, he had not been able to grab much. He had picked up a few things since then, but not much. Just enough to ensure he would never have to wear all black again.

Jean set his bag down just inside the dorm room and hesitantly shut the door behind him.

“Is that everything?” Jeremy asked him.

“Is that a problem?”

“No. No problem,” Jeremy said a little too quickly. “Here, I’ll show you around the place.”

Jean picked his bag back up and followed Jeremy.

The dorm room was small, but it was big enough to house two Trojans. Just inside the door was a short hallway. A few feet down, on the left, was the door to the kitchen. At the end of the hall was the living room, which also connected to the kitchen. On the right side of the hallway were the doors to the bedroom and bathroom.

There was only one bedroom with two beds. Jean was not surprised and hadn’t had a room of his own in years, but he still felt a pit of dread as Jeremy pointed Jean’s bed out to him.

A knock on the front door spared Jean for a moment as Jeremy left the room to answer the door.

Jean set his bag on the floor next to his bed and took a heavy breath. He did not think living this close to Jeremy was a good idea, but he couldn’t just say that to Jeremy. Besides, this apartment had to be better than Evermore. It wasn’t exactly colourful, but at least it wasn’t coated in black. At least it had windows he could look out and be reminded that the outside word really existed.

Still, it was going to be nearly impossible to hide his nightmares with his bed mere feet from Jeremy’s. He was sure it would be just as difficult to hide his scars and marking when he was sharing a room with Jeremy. He hadn’t had to worry about hiding his scars with the Ravens, but that was because all of the Ravens had known what Riko had done to him. Sometimes, they had helped Riko hurt him. They were never surprised by his injuries. Jean did not want to see how his new teammates would react to the extent of his scars and burns.

Voices at the door echoed down the hallway and drew Jean out of his thoughts.

“We heard our newest player arrived,” an eager voice trilled down the hallway. “Is it true?”

“Can we meet him?” Another voice added.

“He’s still unpacking,” Jeremy said, much to Jean’s relief. He was not ready to meet any of his teammates yet. “But I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to come in and say hello.”

Jean left the bedroom to meet them in the hallway, so that he wouldn’t have to face the beds any longer.

Jeremy turned around and smiled widely when he noticed that Jean had joined them.

“Oh, here he is. This is Jean,” he said with an excited gesture, then gestured to the women behind him. “Jean, this is Laila and Alvarez.” 

Standing just inside the door were two women with smiles as wide as Jeremy’s. Jean glanced down at their intertwined hands, then at their bare arms.

Laila and Alvarez showed their soulmate markings off proudly, walking around in tank tops and holding hands. Jean ached when he saw how happy they were and knew he would never be able to be as happy and free as they were. Jean may have escaped Riko, but Riko had still won. He still had nightmares every night, he still was terrified of getting too close to anyone, and he still had scars that would not disappear.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you,” Alvarez told him. “Everyone’s excited to have you on the team.”

“I think they’re hoping you’ll be our Kevin Day and lead our team to victory,” Laila added with a laugh.

Jean did not want to be like Kevin. Jean did not think that he could be like Kevin even if he wanted to. He could not help bring this team together and lead them to victory. He could hardly keep himself together.

“I thought leading the team was my job,” Jeremy responded with a chuckle. Jean was grateful that Jeremy had answered for him.

* * *

 When Jeremy and Jean arrived at the first practice, the other players smiled and waved to them. Jean silently wondered if the whole team really smiled this much all the time. The idea was as irritating as it was intriguing. What was the point of it? They couldn’t really be that happy all the time.

“If you aren't feeling at a hundred percent, you could sit out of practice until you're better,” Jeremy offered him.

Jean stared at Jeremy like he was speaking a foreign language.

Jean hadn't felt anywhere near a hundred percent in years. He wasn't sure he had _ever_ felt at a hundred percent. He couldn't remember the last time he hadn't entered a practice injured and left it worse off. He had never been permitted to sit out of a single practice in all his time with the Ravens. The one time he had made the mistake of asking, he had paid for it heavily. This felt like a trap.

“Why would I sit out?” He asked finally.

“Renee told me you got pretty injured at the end of last season,” Jeremy commented. “I’d rather have you sit a few practices and make sure you're ready to come back than have you hurt yourself trying.”

“I will be okay.”

* * *

 Jean did not understand his new team. Everyone was so encouraging and eager. Jean did not think they would last one moment in the real world once they graduated, but it was still a nice change.

They had stopped clapping him on the shoulder and slapping him on the back in encouragement by the end of the first practice. He had been conditioned to expect malice, not kindness, and he couldn't suppress a flinch whenever a teammate laid their hands on him.

Jean was not used to encouraging pats. Jean was used to teammates coming up behind him and knocking to him the ground for a subpar play. He was used to being hit in the very injuries his teammates had given him because those injuries had slowed him down on the field.

After practice, Alvarez came over and told Jean how well he had done. He knew it was a lie. He was not familiar with this team, he did not know their plays, and he had not recovered to his former ability over the summer.

“Hey, we should go get drinks to celebrate tonight,” Laila said as she walked up behind her girlfriend.

They were looking right at Jean, so he furrowed his brow and questioned, “Celebrate what?”

“You, obviously,” Laila responded as if it were perfectly obvious. “Come on, it’ll be like a welcome party.”

“It’ll be fun,” Alvarez agreed. “And it’ll give you a chance to get to know some of the team.”

Jean was pretty sure his confusion was written on his face, considering the way Jeremy was looking at him.

“He just got here,” Jeremy spoke up. “Maybe he doesn’t want to go out his first night here. Give him a chance to settle in.”

Jean felt a wave of relief as he added, “Yes, I was planning to finish moving in tonight.”

That wouldn’t take long, but they did not need to know that.

“Alright, well maybe Friday then,” Laila suggested.

Jean hadn’t gone out in years. He wasn’t sure he knew what fun was. The very idea of going to a bar with his team brought on a feeling of panic.

“Drinks are on us,” Alvarez offered in a blunt attempt to coax him into agreement.

Jean considered for a moment. If he agreed now, they would probably get off of his back for a few days. Maybe, the idea of free alcohol would be worth it on Friday and, if not, he could always back out on Friday. Maybe, it wouldn’t be as horrible as he thought it would. Maybe, it would do him some good to get out after years cooped up. Or, maybe, he would feign illness and try to enjoy a little time alone in the dorm while they were out.

* * *

 Jean didn’t have the energy to fight his teammates, so when Friday came along, he reluctantly went along with them to the bar. The team was too large to sit together, so they sat scattered at various tables throughout the bar. Jean wound up at a table with Jeremy, Laila, and Alvarez.

They ordered drinks, then Jean zoned out their conversation altogether when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He pulled it out and found a text from Kevin.

Jean took a swig of his drink, then opened the text.

'How is your new team so far?'

He frowned down at the phone for a few long seconds, then stuffed his phone back into his pocket and forced himself to pay attention to the conversation at the table, in the hopes that he would be able to distract himself from the text.

“Maybe we can bait someone into saying it to you,” Alvarez suggested. “Who do you find attractive here?”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Jeremy pointed out. “You can’t just trick someone into saying the words and then they’re you’re soulmate.”

“Hey, which one of us has already found their soulmate?” Alvarez questioned.

“And what happens when my first words to him don’t match up?” Jeremy asked.

“Oh, so you need us to find out what theirs says first,” Laila interpreted with a smile. 

“And then what about their soulmate?” Jeremy asked. “What about my soulmate?”

Laila shrugged. “They end up together?”

“That is definitely not how it works,” Jeremy insisted with a laugh.

“Well, maybe if you went and _talked_ to someone they would end up being your soulmate,” Alvarez said with a sly grin.

“I don’t think I’m going to meet my soulmate in this bar,” Jeremy responded. “And I’m starting to think you’re trying to get rid of me.”

“We’re just trying to help you,” Alvarez insisted. “We want you to be happy.”

“Are you sure it’s not Kevin?” Laila questioned.

Jean practically jumped when his phone vibrated in his pocket again as if they had summoned another text from Kevin by saying his name. This time he left his phone in his pocket.

“It’s not Kevin,” Jeremy told them.

“Are you sure?” Laila asked. “Speaking as a completely impartial lesbian, he is pretty.”

“What was the first thing he said to you?” Alvarez added.

“I don’t remember,” Jeremy said. “But that doesn’t matter. I would remember if it matched up.”

Jean pulled his phone out to check his message so that he would have an excuse to look away. The text was from Renee, not Kevin, but it had come soon enough after Kevin’s text that it was not likely a coincidence. 'Are you and your teammates getting along?'

He knew Renee would text again if he didn’t answer. He knew odds were high she’d tell Kevin if he answered. He didn’t want to deal with them, but he didn’t want Renee to worry about him either so he typed out a quick response to her and left Kevin’s text unanswered. 'They’re better than the Ravens.'


	2. Chapter 2

By the time Jean and Jeremy arrived back at their dorm room after the bar, it was well after one in the morning. Jeremy collapsed onto his bed, still fully clothed and on top of the covers, and let out a sigh of exhaustion.

“I’m going to be so tired tomorrow,” Jeremy said, but the dim moonlight through the window illuminated his ridiculous smile. Jean did not understand that smile at all.

“If you are going to be so tired tomorrow, then why would you go out so late?” Jean questioned.

He did not understand why his teammates were so excited to take him out to a bar for a welcome party. The night had not been horrible for Jean, but he certainly had not enjoyed the outing. He had barely participated in the conversation at the bar. He had only responded when asked a direct unavoidable question and he had been beyond relieved when they had made it back to the dorm.

Jean had only attended the outing because his teammates had wanted to go to the bar and he did not have the energy to put up a fight. Had Jeremy expected to be so exhausted afterwards or was spending time with Jean really that draining?

“I went because it was fun,” Jeremy said as if it were the most obvious thing. “Didn’t you have fun?”

Instead of responding, Jean went over to his dresser to look for pajamas.

“You didn’t have fun,” Jeremy said. The words came out halfway between a question and a statement. He sounded disappointed.

Jean grabbed his pajamas and slowly closed the dresser.

“You hated it,” Jeremy said in a defeated tone.

Jean did not understand why that defeated tone made him feel so guilty, but he felt that he was supposed to say something to try to comfort Jeremy.

“Hate is a strong word,” Jean pointed out. “I didn’t hate it. No.”

“But you didn’t like it,” Jeremy said.

Jean could not argue with that. He nodded his head in agreement, but he doubted Jeremy could see it from his bed. When Jeremy said nothing else, Jean left to go change in the bathroom.

When he reentered the bedroom, he dropped his dirty clothes into his hamper before he crawled into his bed.

A few minutes passed and Jean had almost drifted off when Jeremy stood up. Jean had thought Jeremy was asleep and he could not suppress a flinch when Jeremy stood up. Back in the Nest, a roommate standing up in the middle of the night had always meant trouble.

Jeremy paused, standing in between their beds, and Jean felt a surge of regret at his reaction. He felt stupid for his flinch and he felt guilty for the look of alarm that had crossed Jeremy’s features in response.

They stayed like that for a moment, with Jeremy too startled to move and Jean’s heart pounding out of his chest, before Jeremy said, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Jean did not trust that he could speak without his voice wavering, so he simply nodded in response. He was relieved when Jeremy did not push the subject and left to go to the washroom.

Jean had thought he was doing a good job of hiding his nightmares, but now he thought maybe Jeremy had noticed them after all and had just been too polite to mention them.

* * *

Saturday morning, Jean woke up with a start with nothing to do. There were no morning practices on the weekends and classes had yet to begin, so he did not even have any homework to work on or material to try to get a head start on.

He checked the time on his phone and found that it was 9:28 in the morning. Jeremy was still asleep in the other bed, his breath audible from across the room.

Jean would never have been allowed to sleep this late in the Nest. Even after staying out late with his teammates and even despite his recurring nightmares, Jean had already gotten almost eight full hours of sleep. That was something he had never done once back at Evermore.

Jean could get up. He probably should get up, but instead, he set his head back on the pillow and drifted back to sleep.

When he woke up again, the clock read 11:03. Jeremy was not in his bed. The smell of fresh breakfast wafted into the room and Jean’s stomach growled with hunger.

He knew that the breakfast was not for him, but he also knew it was beyond time to get up and make some food for himself.

Jean quickly picked out some clothes, then showered and got dressed in the safety of the locked bathroom. He did a quick check in the mirror to make sure that his sweater covered the scars Riko had left on him before he exited the room.

“Oh, great!” Jeremy greeted when Jean walked into the kitchen. “You’re up! I made us breakfast.”

“You did?” Jean asked. He couldn’t entirely disguise his surprise.

“I hope you like French toast. That’s what I made,” Jeremy said with a wide grin. “Get it? French toast. You’re French.”

“Yes, I get it,” Jean said because Jeremy appeared to be waiting for a response. “You did not have to make me breakfast.”

“Uh-oh. Does that mean you _don’t_ like French toast?” Jeremy asked. His face fell like it had the night before when he had discovered that Jean had not had fun at the bar.

“No, I like it,” Jean said. “I just do not see why you would go out of your way to make it for me.”

“I wanted to do something nice for you,” Jeremy said as he set a large plate of French toast on the kitchen table, next to a container of syrup and a couple of plates. “I felt bad that we dragged you out last night and you didn’t even have any fun. I thought you might like this better. Everybody’s got to eat, right?”

“Right,” Jean agreed with a distracted nod as he sat down at the kitchen table.

Jeremy Knox was a complete mystery to Jean. All Jeremy had done since Jean had arrived was go out of his way to accommodate Jean. He seemed to spend most of his time doing nice things for Jean. How Jeremy thought he owed Jean something nice just because Jean did not remember how to have fun was beyond Jean’s capacity for understanding.

“Don’t lie. You really do like French toast?” Jeremy asked as he sat down across the table from Jean. “You don’t have to eat it if you don’t.”

“I like French toast,” Jean assured him as he forked some of the toast onto his plate. “Thank you.”

Jeremy beamed as if Jean was the one who had made breakfast for him. “No problem. That’s what roommates are for.”

* * *

“So,” Jeremy said as they cleaned up after a quiet breakfast in which Jean ate in silence and Jeremy made the occasional comment about places around campus he thought Jean should check out. “What are your grand plans for your first weekend here?”

The question felt like a trap. Jean did not want to admit that he did not have any plans. He did not need Jeremy to know that he did not have plans. He did not think it would be wise to stay in the dorm all day with Jeremy, but he did not want to be invited anywhere either.

Jean had not had free time for so long he wasn’t even sure he knew how to spend his time anymore. He didn’t know what he enjoyed. He didn’t know what he wanted to do.

He did know that spending the entire day alone with Jeremy was a bad idea though.

Jean did not think he could take all of that one-on-one time. At least at the bar, Laila and Alvarez had been with them to carry the conversation in his wake. Alone with Jeremy, Jean would have Jeremy’s undivided attention and that was a horrifying thought.

After some consideration, Jean responded with a guarded, “I have not thought about it yet.”

“I was thinking of going to buy the books I need for my classes,” Jeremy said. “I’m sure you need some too. You should come along. I can show you where the bookstore is and give you the grand tour.”

Jean forced his expression to remain neutral. His entire body stiffened as panic overtook him.

“I do not know,” he said. His voice sounded weak to his ears.

Jeremy did not look deterred as he said, “Come on. You’ve got to get them anyways, right?”

A loud knock at the door spared Jean from having to answer, at least for a moment.

Jean debated sneaking off to hide in the bedroom as Jeremy went to answer the door, but he decided against it since he had no desire to continue the conversation anywhere near their bedroom. He didn’t particularly have the desire to finish the conversation at all.

Sure, Jean needed books for his classes and being shown to the bookstore would be much easier than trying to find the building on his own. Plus, if he got his books now, he would have something to look at and pretend to work on as a way to avoid excess conversation with Jeremy. Maybe, on Jeremy’s tour, Jean would even find somewhere quiet where he could go to get away from his roommate.

But Jean did not want to spend that much time with Jeremy. That was a risky game he had no interest in playing.

Jean did not even know _how_ to socialize like the Trojans did. He had barely made it through the night before while the others had been too drunk to realize that he had not contributed anything to the conversation. The idea of Jeremy trying to get to know him better while they were sober and one-on-one left a pit of dread where Jean’s stomach used to be.

Jeremy returned to the kitchen a moment later with Laila and Alvarez in tow and Jean silently hoped Jeremy would be too distracted by their presence to check for Jean’s final answer.

“Have you two bought your books yet?” Jeremy questioned. “I was just asking Jean if he wanted to go to the bookstore and check the campus out. What do you think? Want to tag along?”

“It's not like we’ve got anything better to do,” Alvarez responded with a casual shrug that seemed to be in drastic opposition to her enthusiastic tone.

“Can you believe we really have to do the whole textbook thing all over again this year?” Laila complained. “Last year I had thirteen text books. _Thirteen_. I don't think I can take it if I have to carry that many around again.”

“Oh, but babe, you got so strong from lugging those around,” Alvarez said. “You were like Wonder Woman.”

“That's sweet, but I'm still not carrying you anywhere,” Laila chuckled.

Alvarez pouted at her for a moment, clearly searching for pity Laila was not providing, before a laugh broke through her somber expression.

“So, what do you say, Jean?” Jeremy asked. “They’re in. How about you?”

Jean considered for a moment as he felt three sets of eyes focused on him. The trip to the bookstore wouldn't be so dangerous if he wasn't alone with Jeremy. Besides, he would not need to talk to fill the silences if they had Laila and Alvarez for company. Jean could just stay quiet, keep his head down, and get the books he needed.

“Alright,” he agreed.


	3. Chapter 3

Jean was amazed by just how many things his teammates did together. It wasn’t that Ravens hadn’t done everything in groups or pairs, but this was different. This was Jeremy, Laila, and Alvarez _choosing_ to spend this much time together. They weren’t together because it was necessary to keep an eye on what the other was doing. They were hanging out of their own volition and it was astounding how many casual little impulse outings they had around campus that Jean could have never even dreamed of when he was on the Ravens. The Trojans seemed so free and without worry and it made Jean’s chest ache to watch.

He didn’t know why they kept inviting him along. Maybe it was because he was Jeremy’s roommate and they didn’t want to be rude. Maybe it was because of something Kevin or Renee had said. Maybe it was pity because he was new. Regardless of why Jean didn’t trust their motives and he didn’t know how to behave like them. He didn’t know how to be free.

He was out with them now, trailing behind with his hands in his pockets wishing he hadn’t come. Laila and Alvarez were bickering over which way to go next and laughing and tugging on each other’s hands to try to pull the other in the direction they wanted to go. Laila wanted to get ice cream. Alvarez wanted to go dancing. Jean really hoped Alvarez would lose the argument.

Jeremy was no help at all as he laughed and asked, “Why not do both? What do you think, Jean?”

Jean shrugged wordlessly. He didn’t care enough to start conflict. He was sure he would be miserable and regret coming either way.

At least since he had started hanging out with these three, the rest of the team had eased up on the welcome wagon thing. They seemed to think that he was a real part of their friend group and not just a silent downer they kept insisting tag along with them. He knew that he was not _really_ one of them, but he did not correct the team because this suited his agenda just fine. Now, he only had three overly friendly Trojans bothering him instead of a whole team trying too hard to befriend him.

Still, if he hadn’t gotten that stupid text from Kevin asking him what classes he was taking, Jean certainly would not have agreed to come on this outing. It had been an annoying text at an annoying time and he had shoved his phone back in his pocket without responding and agreed to go out just to take his mind off of Kevin and how he was set on keeping tabs on Jean, even with Jean attending a completely different university than him. Jean had hoped not attending PSU would distance him from Kevin enough that he wouldn't have to think about him too much, but that did not seem to be working out for him.

“Both it is then,” Jeremy said as if anyone had agreed to his idea. Apparently, he took the fact that they had all yet to argue as agreement that they all wanted to go. Maybe it _was_ Laila and Alvarez agreeing. Jean didn't understand them.

He wondered if he could escape and walk back to the dorms himself.

Probably not. Ravens had never been allowed to walk anywhere alone. The option seemed completely surreal and he doubted that any of this trio would let him leave so easily without desperately trying to rope him into staying and going dancing and for ice cream or, _worse_ , trying to figure out what Jean wanted to do. The last time they had asked him that, Jean had completely shut down and stood there looking like a complete idiot. What did people do for fun when they were allowed to go wherever they wanted? What did people do for fun when they were allowed to have fun?

Jean couldn’t wait until summer practices were over and classes would start so they would be too busy to try to drag him out every single night.

“Let’s get ice cream first,” Laila suggested happily.

Jean expected Alvarez to disagree but, apparently, she was happy now that she knew she was going to get to go dancing afterward.

“Okay,” Alvarez agreed as she let Laila pull her in the direction of the nearest ice cream shop.

Jeremy followed them and Jean trailed behind, trying to hit that sweet spot where he wasn't far enough behind for them to stop and wait for him but he wasn't close enough to encourage them talking to him or asking him questions he should know how to answer but didn't.

“What flavour are you going to get?” Laila asked her girlfriend.

“Bubblegum.”

Laila crinkled her nose in distaste.

“What?” Alvarez asked.

“I don't like bubblegum,” Laila responded.

“So get your own flavour,” Alvarez told her.

“I'm going to,” Laila said. “And I was going to share my rocky road with you, but not if I'm getting bubblegum in return.”

Jean thought that maybe they were about to start bickering about another unimportant thing, but then Alvarez smiled.

“What if I get cotton candy instead?” She suggested.

“I knew I picked the right girlfriend,” Laila said and she leaned over to brush her lips over Alvarez’s as they walked.

Jean did not think that was a particularly safe way to be walking around, but he didn't say anything about it. Watching Laila and Alvarez together set off an ache in Jean’s chest that hadn't been this strong in a long time. He did not understand why seeing that they were happy and kissing and holding hands made his heart hurt. He had known for a long time that he could not have a soulmate, even though he was marked. It was not news to him that he was damaged goods that no soulmate should have to endure. It was new knowing who his soulmate was though and knowing that Jeremy was missing out on this too, all because he was marked to Jean and looking for his soulmate like he wouldn’t be better off with someone else since Jean had been totally and utterly broken in the Nest.

Jean looked away from Laila and Alvarez and his eyes landed on Jeremy. He wanted a distraction from the public affection he had just witnessed, so he spoke up without being provoked for the first time that evening. “What flavour are you having, Jeremy?”

Jeremy turned and smiled as if Jean asking him a question was some special thing. Jean hoped that didn't mean he expected that he would do it more often.

“I think I'm going to have strawberry ice cream,” Jeremy told him. “Unless they have cookies and cream left, but they always run out. How about you? What kind are you going to have?”

The thought of eating, especially with the other three watching him, did not appeal to Jean at all in that moment. He would sit with them while they ate their ice cream if he had to, but he had no interest in getting his own.

“I'm not hungry,” Jean said and hoped that would be the end of it.

“You have to try some,” Jeremy insisted. “Come on, it's my treat. What's your favourite flavour?”

Jean had no idea what his favourite ice cream flavour was. He hadn't had ice cream in so long and all of the flavours they had discussed sounded like they would make him feel sick. But Jean was not the person he had been before he’d entered the Nest. He knew better than to argue when someone said he had to do something, so he gave in and said, “I will have vanilla.”

“Vanilla,” Jeremy said with a smile. “That's a classic.”

Jean just nodded his head because he had run out of conversation and did not want to get roped into more.

* * *

Getting ice cream wasn't so bad. At least no one commented when he didn’t finish the cone Jeremy had bought him. Dancing was terrible though.

Not that Jean actually did dance. He sat at the table in the loud and over-crowded club and made any excuse possible not to dance. Once, he had even looked back through the messages Kevin had sent him since he had arrived at USC and debated responding for the first time. He wanted to tell Kevin to stop. He stared down at his phone for five minutes without typing a word and then had put it away when Jeremy came back to the table and sat down next to him.

Jeremy leaned closer to Jean and then stopped when Jean recoiled automatically. He regretted flinching away afterward because Jeremy had seen it and was looking at him with a sad look that Jean did not care for at all, but there was no way to take the flinch back now.

Jeremy spoke loudly, but Jean could hardly hear him as he said, “This isn't your kind of fun. Is it?”

Laila and Alvarez looked like they were having the time of their lives, dancing together to repetitive songs Jean did not know, and even Jeremy had looked like he was having fun dancing with them. Jean felt bad that he was raining on the parade again with Jeremy feeling obligated to come over and check on him, but he did not have the energy or desire to pretend that any of this was fun for him.

Jean turned his head and leaned closer to Jeremy’s ear, careful to leave a little space between them, as Jeremy turned his head to listen for his response.

“It is not.”

Jean hoped that they would stop trying to figure out his idea of fun (which he wasn't sure even existed) and would do them all a favour and go out and have fun without him next time.

“Sorry,” Jeremy said as if it was his fault that Jean did not know how to function on a group outing that didn't follow the strict Raven script. “We can go if you want.”

Jean looked back at Laila and Alvarez again. They were kissing on the dance floor and moving together as if they were one. They did not look like they were ready to leave yet and Jean did not want to make it a thing that would gather more focus and attention on himself and how much he did not belong here, so he said, “I am fine. Just do not expect me to dance.”

“I’ll sit with you then,” Jeremy told him. Jean felt bad that he was spoiling Jeremy's night,but he was not used to being on his own and it left him feeling unsettled, so he didn't argue. “I'm going to get a drink. Do you want one?”

Jean thought about Kevin's endless texts and about the way he blatantly stuck out in his new team and the way Laila and Alvarez looked so in love. He thought about the way Jeremy was still looking for a soulmate he didn’t realize had been lost years ago and he thought about how he would never be able to be that person for Jeremy and then he responded, “Yes. Please.”


	4. Chapter 4

Jean was reading Wuthering Heights, one of the novels he'd had to pick up for his upcoming English class when there was a knock at the door to his dorm.

He made no move to answer it. If Jeremy was home, he would have opened the door for sure, but Jean had zero desire to socialize.

He ignored the door and went back to his page, but the knocking persisted. When he attempted the same paragraph for a fourth time only to be interrupted by the knocking getting louder, Jean headed toward the door.

He thought that maybe Jeremy had forgotten his key, but when he opened the door, Laila and Alvarez stood there beaming at him.

"Jeremy is not here," Jean said.

Unfortunately, that did not deter them.

"That's alright," Laila insisted. "That just means that we'll have more time to get to know you better."

"He should be back in an hour," Jean said. He actually had no idea what time Jeremy would be back, but he thought an hour was long enough for them to leave and come back but not too long for them to decide not to bother waiting for Jeremy.

"Great!" Alvarez said. "We've got you to ourselves for a whole hour."

They moved to come inside the door and Jean stepped out of their way on reflex.

Jean followed them as they let themselves into his living room and then pushed his way past them to claim his spot curled up across two seats on the couch again. Laila and Alvarez took one chair between the two of them, with Alvarez sitting on the arm of chair leaning against her girlfriend.

Jean opened up his book again and took another stab at the same paragraph.

"Wuthering Heights, huh?" Laila asked. "How are you liking it?"

Jean murmured an incoherent grumble in the hopes that they would take the hint that he did not want to talk and would assume he was too absorbed in the book he was struggling to focus on to participate in any kind of conversation.

"The book is good, but the characters are awful," Alvarez insisted. "How could anybody feel sorry for any of them?"

Jean scowled as he restarted his sentence _again_. He hoped they would stop talking, but they didn't.

"Oh, I know," Laila agreed. "Every time I thought one might be a little bit likable they turned around and made me regret ever giving them a chance."

Jean sighed and set his book down, leaving it face down and open on the couch to mark his page. Clearly, he was not going to get any further in his book and they were going to talk whether he was reading or not.

They must have decided that his setting his book down meant that he was open to other conversations, since Alvarez immediately told him, "We've been thinking. We need to go out tonight."

"That is what you say every night," Jean pointed out.

Either they didn't pick up on his exasperation or just decided to ignore it because Laila added, "It's our last night before classes start. We should do something fun."

He did not find going out to be any fun and he had zero desire to spend a Monday night out pretending that he wasn't miserable for every minute of it.

Jean's phone buzzed in his pocket and he ignored it and decided that he was going to at least pretend to be invested in this conversation to distract himself from the fact that there was a good chance that the text was Kevin trying to keep tabs on him again.

"We should go to a bar and find Jeremy someone before he starts using homework as an excuse not to try again,” Alvarez suggested. "I mean, I know he has his whole thing against getting with anyone else he's not marked to but come on. The guy clearly needs to see some action."

Jean was no longer just pretending to be interested in the conversation. He did not want to create unnecessary waves arguing against going to another bar and he didn't want to have to contribute other ideas of how they could spend their evening so instead, he focused on the part of their conversation that raised all kinds of questions for him.

"Jeremy does not date?" Jean asked.

He hated that his interest seeped a little into his tone. He felt like he had taken off his sweater and bared his mark to the both of them. His heart was pounding but after a few moments, he realized that neither of them had seemed to notice.

"Well, not anymore," Laila told him.

"Not since Paul," Alvarez added.

Jean furrowed his brow. "Paul?"

"His last boyfriend," Laila explained. "Their markings didn't match, but Jeremy didn't care. He was all in for him anyway. Whoever their soulmates were weren't around and they were happy together. Until Paul found his soulmate. He cheated on Jeremy with him for weeks before he finally came clean and broke up with him."

"Jeremy decided he wasn't dating anyone else that wasn't his soulmate after that,” Alvarez added. "He's afraid of it happening all over again and refuses to date someone without a mark and end up being their Paul."

"He puts on a good brave face, but we know him too well to fall for it," Laila said. "He's lonely. We feel bad always flaunting how in love we are in front of him while he's still waiting around on his soulmate to show up. It's why we keep trying so hard to help him meet his."

Jean picked up his book again and dog-eared the page to mark where he was as an excuse to avoid looking at either of them. He was afraid if they made eye contact with him that they would see right through him.

"Or to at least get him to give dating someone else in the meantime another chance," Alvarez added. "Even if it is just something casual so he doesn't get his heart crushed again."

"I mean, at least with you here he's not our only third wheel anymore," Laila said. "But we just want him to be happy and to find his soulmate already."

"When he ever shows up I'm going to have some strong words with him about why he made Jeremy wait around for so long," Alvarez insisted with a laugh that seemed half-hearted at best.

Jean felt sick to his stomach. There was no way that he could tell them the truth. They wouldn't understand why he was too broken to be the soulmate that Jeremy was supposed to end up with. They wouldn't understand why he had to keep that information from Jeremy or why he desperately tried to keep his marred soulmate mark out of sight and out of mind. He couldn't explain why he was too broken to even attempt anything with anyone. Jeremy deserved much better and if the world were fair at all, which Jean knew well it wasn’t, he would find better.

Jeremy did not deserve to be cheated on by some guy who found some other mate. Jeremy did not deserve to wait forever for a mate that had died in Castle Evermore years ago. Jean didn't know Jeremy very well but he did know that Jeremy was unsettlingly kind to him. Out of all the people Jean had had the displeasure of meeting, Jeremy was one of the ones who most seemed to deserve happiness and a kind mate. Jeremy did not deserve to be anchored down by him.

"Well, maybe Jeremy would find him faster if he'd actually try talking to guys," Laila pointed out. "Wherever we're going tonight, there has to be guys to make him talk to."

Jean was glad that Jeremy at least had Laila and Alvarez to try to help him move on. He was certain that Jeremy would be happier with someone who was not his perfect mate than he could ever be with Jean, even if Jean were in any way willing to explore that possibility. Jeremy had been happy with someone he was not marked to before and Jean was sure that he could find happiness like that again, hopefully, this time without the tragic ending.

* * *

Jeremy was not overly surprised when his phone rang and he saw that it was Kevin. He had been calling more often than usual since Jean had come to USC to check in. Before Jean had even arrived, he'd warned Jeremy that adjusting to another team after the Ravens was hard for him and he was sure that it would be hard for Jean too.

"Hello," Jeremy answered his phone.

"Hey," Kevin said. He sounded out of breath like he might have just finished practice. "How is Jean adjusting?"

"He's quiet but he seems like he's doing fine so far," Jeremy said. "Classes don't start until tomorrow so we've had a lot of free time. He's been getting to know some of the team."

"That's good," Kevin said. "He could use some new friends. Ravens always travel in pairs so being alone is going to be... weird for him for a while."

Something in Kevin's tone made Jeremy think that Kevin hadn't fully adjusted to it yet himself.

"He seems like he wants to be by himself most of the time to me," Jeremy admitted. "But we manage to drag him out with us more often than not."

"Just keep an eye on him for me and keep me updated, alright?" Kevin asked. "I'll owe you one."

"You won't owe me anything,” Jeremy said. "He's a Trojan now and my roommate. I'd keep an eye on him either way. Besides, I like him. Even if he is grumpy and quiet. It's nice to get a word in for once without Laila and Alvarez talking over me."

"He wasn't always so quiet," Kevin said. There was the slightest hint of humour in his tone as he added, "The attitude problem's always been there though. It used to be worse."

"I hadn't noticed an attitude," Jeremy said. "He's moody and quiet and it seems like he doesn't have fun no matter where we take him, but he keeps going with us without argument anyway."

Kevin let out a sigh at that as if he was disappointed that Jean didn't have a foul attitude.

"I've got to go," Kevin said after a moment. "Andrew's threatening to break my racquets if I don't hang up and get in the car. But call me if anything comes up or if there's anything you or him need help with. He probably won't take help from me but I know a lot more about what he's going through now than anyone else does."

Kevin had never gone into much detail about what had gone on in the Nest, but when he'd asked for the Trojans to take in Jean, he had told Jeremy enough to know that it hadn't been pretty for him and had been worse for Jean.

Jean's mysterious injuries that pulled him out of the end of last season and the way Jean tossed around in bed and jolted awake from nightmares made it pretty clear that what had happened in the Nest was serious and still affected him. Jean had flinched away every time someone on the team had patted his back or stepped to close to him and that didn't sit right with Jeremy at all. It was a relief to know that he could call Kevin for ideas how to help Jean at least.

* * *

Jeremy was surprised when he came back to the dorm and found that Laila and Alvarez were both over, chatting up Jean about which bars they thought were the best candidates for them to spend their evening at. He knew that Jean spent time with them when he was around, but he hadn't realized that Jean hung out with them when he wasn't there.

He stepped into the living room and Jean's eyes flickered to him. He looked almost relieved to see him for just a moment before his features hardened again into something unreadable.

"Does it have to be a bar?" Jeremy asked because Jean had admitted to him that both the bar and club they'd gone to with Laila and Alvarez before had not been his idea of fun. He figured the least he could do if he didn't know what they could do that Jean would enjoy was try to steer the other two away from things he knew Jean would dislike.

"Where else are you going to meet a man?" Laila asked him.

"I wasn't aware that I had to meet one tonight," Jeremy pointed out. "There is no way I'm letting either of you set me up with some random guy at a bar tonight and I'd rather not be hungover for the first day of classes."

"So what do you want to do then if you won't go drinking?" Alvarez asked.

"I don't know," Jeremy said. "We could go mini golfing or something."

"Sure," Laila said. "We can go mini golfing if you're prepared to get your ass handed to you. Sara is inhumanly talented at it. She can't actual golf to save her life but give her a tiny putter and she can make any shot."

"I think I can handle it," Jeremy said.

"And who knows," Alvarez insisted. "Maybe you'll get lucky and your soulmate will be mini golfing tonight too."

Jeremy chose to ignore that comment as he turned his attention on Jean and asked, "So what do you think? Are you in? Or are we going to have to drag you there kicking and screaming?"

Something crossed Jean's features for just a split second but before Jeremy had time to determine what it was, it had disappeared behind a mask of indifference.

"I suppose I could go," Jean said.

"Great!” Jeremy said and smiled at Jean in an attempt to assure him that this time he would have fun. He turned his attention on Laila and Alvarez as he added, "How about you come back over at eight and we head out then?"

He figured if Jean had already had them over for who knew how long and may or may not end up disliking mini golf as much as anything else, he may as well at least give him a bit of a break from the company before it was time to leave.

"Sounds good to me," Laila said. "Let's go, babe."

She stood up, grabbing Alvarez by the hand to bring her with her, and they headed out of the room.

"We'll give you time to mentally prepare yourselves for tonight," Alvarez said on her way out. "I want your competition at your best."

* * *

Despite their talk earlier in the night, Laila and Alvarez were not overly competitive when it came time for mini golfing. When either of them or Jeremy made a bad shot, they just laughed it off. When Jean made a bad shot, he did not just laugh it off. He got frustrated at himself and at them for talking and laughing while he was shooting.

At first, he managed to hide it, but when he was certain he would have managed to make a shot past a rotating windmill if Laila hadn't chosen that exact moment to laugh at something her girlfriend had said, Jean had cursed loudly and slammed his putter against the ground.

"It's just a game," Laila insisted. "Your score doesn't matter. By the time we leave no one's going to care and by the time we get back to the dorm none of us will remember anyway.“

Jean thought that was awfully easy for her to say after she had intentionally sabotaged his shot, but instead of telling her that, he just scowled in her general direction.

Jean had already been in a bad enough mood when they had left the dorm. He'd managed to hold off on checking his text until it was about ten minutes until Laila and Alvarez would show up and time seemed to stand still. He'd tried distracting himself by reading again, but he hadn't been able to focus so he had checked his text and found that it was Kevin asking ‘Are you ready for classes starting tomorrow?’

Kevin continuously trying to keep tabs on him and somehow knowing when his classes started had put him into a foul mood and this deceivingly difficult children's game had only made him more and more frustrated as the night went on.

"Hey, Jeremy," Alvarez said with a grin as she leaned toward him. "Check out the guy at the next hole. What do you think? He looks like your type."

"I am not going to find my soulmate at a mini golf course," Jeremy insisted.

"You're not going to find him at all with that attitude," Laila said. "You can't rule out every possible place you might meet a guy just because it doesn't match up with your fantasy. I met Sara in line in the bathroom. Not even a particularly clean bathroom.“

Jean took a particularly long time lining up his next shot while he pretended not to listen to the conversation. There was no way that he was about to take his shot with them talking about Jeremy's potential soulmates so they could mess him up again.

"Hey, you!" Alvarez called out loud enough to make everyone in a three-hole radius to turn their heads. “Guy in the red shirt. Come over here!"

"You realize he's probably coming over here because he's straight and you're calling him, right?" Jeremy asked, only to immediately be hushed by Laila.

When the guy from the other hole stopped in front of Alvarez she beamed at him and told him, "Hey, my friend Jeremy here has had his eye on you all night so I thought it was about time I introduce you two."

Jeremy glared at Alvarez. Apparently, he did not appreciate Alvarez's tactic of pretending he had been uncontrollably ogling some random stranger all night.

It was just the cherry on top of Jean's bad night that the man turned his attention on Jeremy and asked, "Has he?"

Jeremy's eyes lit up and Jean didn't understand why he felt such a sudden flare of annoyance.

He knew the words on Jeremy's marking well since they were the first words he had ever spoken to him and Jeremy’s reaction had imprinted them on Jean’s memory forever. Even if Jeremy hadn't been wearing a t-shirt with sleeves short enough to reveal the words on his bicep, Jean would have recognized them as immediately as Jeremy had.

Jean should have been glad for that look of hope in Jeremy's eyes, but all he felt was sick.

"Are you talking to me?" Jeremy asked.

"Yes?" The man asked with a furrowed brow, but then he seemed to notice the words on Jeremy's arm and pulled his own sleeve up as he added, "Oh, sorry. That's not me."

The man's own bicep was marked with the words ‘Watch where you're going.’

"Oh," Jeremy said and Jean saw a hint of the loneliness that Laila and Alvarez had told him about earlier before Jeremy covered it up with another smile. "That's alright. Nice meeting you anyway I guess."

Laila and Alvarez looked just as disappointed as Jeremy did on his behalf.

The man in the red shirt seemed to take the hint that this was not going to go any further for him and he headed back to his group of friends at the next hole. Jean was in no way sorry to see him go.

Jean didn't understand why he was so relieved that Jeremy's words did not match up with this stranger's marking. He didn't understand why he cared. He wanted Jeremy to find someone else. It would be perfect if their words matched up and Jeremy was with this stranger and had never been destined for Jean after all.

Jean turned his attention back on his ball so he wouldn't have to look at that disappointed look on Jeremy's face. He didn't want to think about the fact that looking for his potential soulmate would always end in disappointment for Jeremy, so he took another attempt at getting his ball through the hole in the windmill.

He hit the ball too hard and it bounced off one of the arms and hit him in the shin before rolling back to nearly the same place that it had started. Perfect. Jean really hated mini golf.

It was stupid that he was letting Jeremy's near matchup get into his head. He should be focusing on this stupid frustrating childish game instead of letting himself be foolish enough to cling to the slightest possibility of still being meant to have a soulmate. That was utterly idiotic and had nothing to do with Jeremy, who he barely even knew. He knew that he had a hard enough time on his own and there was no way he was in any condition to be anything to anyone, let alone a soulmate. Nothing could ever happen with Jeremy and he would never let anything happen even if Jeremy found out and was for some unfathomable reason interested.

"I hate this game," Jean announced to no one in particular. "Who thought it was a good idea to put a spinning windmill in the way of the hole? It is ridiculous. And who makes a windmill with arms long enough to reach the ground? It is impractical. What happens if there is a rock? It would break just like that. All the money spent on it wasted on something that breaks so easily. Ridiculous."

Laila burst into laughter, although Jean did not think that anything he had said was particularly humorous.

"I can help you line up the shot," Jeremy said as he took a step toward Jean.

Jeremy had made the shot on the first try in what was probably dumb luck considering his record at the other holes. Jean thought that Jeremy had grown too confident since his one hole in one and there was no way that he was about to feed into Jeremy's ego by letting him help line up his shot. Besides, Jean wanted to beat Jeremy of his own accord. He refused to accept any help that would undermine his final score.

Laila and Alvarez exchanged a look that Jean did not understand but thought probably had something to do with them thinking how pathetic it was that a grown man needed help to make a shot in a simple children's game. Well, he would prove that he did not.

"No thank you," Jean said, unable to hide the venom from his tone. "I do not need help."

Jeremy stopped dead in his tracks and his smile faltered for a moment before it returned and he said, "Alright. Suit yourself."

Jean watched the windmill and took a deep breath as he tried to ignore the three sets of eyes on him. When he took his shot this time, it made it past the windmill and into the hole.

That will serve them right for thinking him incapable, Jean thought.


End file.
